I'd really like to write something, but I'm too goddamn depressed. If I don't take some drugs soon, I'll kill myself. Actually, that reminds me of a statement made by Forbes magazine senior editor Elizabeth MacDonald, who, while appearing recently on Bill O'Reilly's show, said this: "And you have got to wonder why people become depressed alcoholics around the season, because the meaning is sucked out of it." She was referring to a decision by certain Macy's and Bloomingdale's department stores to replace their "Merry Christmas" greetings with some more inclusive declarations of holiday spirit, such as "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays." Now I don't wish to comment on the choice that department stores make concerning decorations, because I could care less. I'd just like to say, as someone who consistently gets depressed around this time, that the supposed meaning of Christmas has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with it. It is important to note that I do believe in God, and I think Christians have every right to celebrate the birth of Christ. However, let's not forget that Christ's birthday is not December 25th and the holiday did not come about as a celebration of such a birthday. The fact is, the "meaning of Christmas" has simply been co-opted by Christians from Pagan origins, (the Winter Solstice in Rome, the feast of the Son of Isis in ancient Babylon) thereby contributing to it's destruction. I mean, if Pope Julius I can put the "Christ-Mass" in the middle of well established Pagan festivities, why can't the consumer whores and the corporations that pimp them out place their worship of material goods and money in the same place? It's just another way of making a new religion go down easier. (I learned it from watching you, Dad!)
Anyway, I've gotten off the subject here. While I can't speak for anyone but myself, I can tell you that depression is pretty natural around the time of year that the media is so focused on the ideal loving family, the ideal loving couple, and the ideal group of loving friends gathered around the ideal fireplace in the ideal cabin in the woods exchanging the ideal bunch of gifts. The depression is natural, that is, if you don't conform to that idealized version of humanity. Of course, this really isn't the fault of the media, but rather my fault for buying into the idea that I am one of the few that doesn't live a "perfect" life. My own insecurities have fueled my loneliness; my self-loathing has led to the perception of being unloved. At this time of year, those feelings are just enhanced by what I see all around me. As I think back on it, I've never been very happy on Christmas day. I can remember coming downstairs to a smiling family, a well decorated (fake) tree, and an amazing bounty of gifts that would make most children jump for joy. But what am I doing in all those holiday videos? Sitting, balled up on the floor with a sour look on my face, just waiting for the whole thing to be over and done with. I couldn't drink myself into a stupor/smoke myself into oblivion/pop pills or snort coke in order to achieve a false sense of joy back then, but I sure can do it now, and I do. All this, and I don't even notice the difference when a sign says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
musical stuff
Autumn Lights
Robotanists in DTLA. Photo by Brandon Greeley
1 comment:
I definitely share your feelings on Christmas and am not a big fan of any other consumerism oriented holidays, such as Valentine’s Day, either. When I go into town and see the screaming decorations and all these people running around buying buying buying like they’re in a trance or on crack or something, I get really annoyed, aggressive even, and feel like I’m being suffocated. And while I love getting my friends and family stuff when I see something suiting them that I know they’ll appreciate, I don’t really like the idea of having to get a hundred people something at a given time just because it’s the custom, which is also why I don’t do Christmas cards. I would hope that people close to me know I care about them every day regardless. If they don’t or have doubts or whatever, a holiday greeting’s hardly going to make much of a difference. I don’t want my relationships/friendships to be… I don’t know, routine-like. That’s not really the word I was looking for, but I hope you know what I mean.
I don’t think there’s anything I hate quite as much as the way this idea of an ideal life / normality / timeline approach to life is being forced upon us - and so many people just buy into and accept that, too, without even considering their options, and start spreading the word themselves. And who can blame anyone doing that with all the pressure surrounding us? I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with, say, wanting that “ideal” family, as long as that really is what you want and aren’t just pursuing because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. Of course, it’s often difficult to tell which it is, as we’re all children of our own societies and systems to an extent. I certainly feel a lot of social/societal pressure from various instances to lead my life in a certain way and manner. I’m determined not to let that affect my choices, but I’m sure it does, anyway (at any rate, it keeps making me miserable), which I’ll continue to fight, though.
Because of the above as well as for other reasons, I get pretty sad and lonely more often than I should and frequently feel insecure and unloved, although I try to convince myself otherwise. All things considered, I’m surprised more people aren’t depressed, a state that seems to me a rather reasonable response to all this madness and stress. Maybe most of us really are in a trance and I’m just one of the unfortunate ones…
I know hearing this doesn’t always make a difference, but you are loved and not just by me.
Annukka
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