A longtime friend of mine recently became engaged to be married and I really don't care. I think I should be happy for her or at least have some feelings on the matter, but I don't. I'm not sure why. We haven't talked in a long time but we're still friends and we were pretty close for a while so I should probably feel something, but alas, no. Don't give a fuck.
My sister called the other day and said she had told a friend of mine that she didn't want a romantic relationship with him. That's pretty lousy for him (since she's awesome) but I really don't care. I think I should since he's a lot like me- thirty something and lonely and losing his hair- but I just can't. Don't give a fuck.
I wrote an email to a girl I used to like, told her that I wouldn't be going to Austin for SXSW and said I wished I could have met her in Houston when we were both there over the holidays, but that's not really true. I suppose it would have been okay to see her but it really makes no difference. If I cared more then I would have made more of an effort to stay in touch. The only reason I wrote to her at all was so I could promote the band's new record. In fact, that's the only reason I wrote to a bunch of people, including my engaged friend.
"Hey, how's it goin', how ya doin', what's happenin', hope everything is awesome!"No, not really. Don't give a fuck. Buy my album.
Of course, this is all a defense mechanism due to my problem with being an overly emotional freak. If I acknowledged how I actually felt about all of those people I'd probably go into a fit, and then I'd get all whiny and petulant because I don't think they care enough about me, and then I'd break something. Such a fucking child. I really should try to grow up one of these days.
I finally got around to telling my ex-girlfriend (note: I hate that term. Fucking terrible.) that I didn't think we were very good friends. That, I believe. We're not very good friends. I'm not very good friends with a lot of people, and that's just how things are sometimes, especially when dealing with people in different cities (she's in Paris), but I'm pretty upset over this one. I was fooling myself into thinking we could maintain some kind of shared intimacy. Not a romantic intimacy, mind you, since that's been over for a long time, but a kind of, I don't know... shit. I really don't know. I can not come up with anything. I must have been delusional or something. The pop-culture addled brain strikes again. Yeah, like I could write to her and tell her she's wonderful and pretty and how much I miss her and she would ignore the fact that I never wrote the real, snail mail letter I promised to and I haven't even attempted to visit once in six months. Then, when I eventually made it over she would leap into my arms and tell me how much she missed me and won't I just stay there, holding her forever!
Whatever. I'm a fucking retard.
At least I won't be treating her like my therapist anymore. I said that I wouldn't be writing about personal issues and she misunderstood that to mean our relationship issues, or how I feel about her or something like that, and she said she thought it was established that we were and will only be friends now. That's true, but you know what, that really fucking sucks to hear. The delusion blew up in my face. And I keep thinking about it, too. We-are-now-and-will-forever-be-ONLY-friends. I don't know why that's such a big deal. She's not here and won't be back and I'm surrounded by women. So I can't have a painfully difficult long distance relationship! With someone who doesn't even like baseball! Yeah, poor me.
Whatever. I'm a pathetic fucking retard.
Man, I am tired of writing about myself. Especially since I'm complaining. A lot. Do I have anything else to write about, though? No. Fuck it. I'm done.
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